Contemplating Conceptual Confusions

The following is a part of a conversation I had one Sunday afternoon in late March last year with a close friend. This note was written around the same time.

“There is no such thing as love,” she said. “What you call love is just an exchange of favors and a host of articulated or unarticulated expectations from another. It is a burden.”

“Perhaps you are upset about something?” I asked.

“No, I am not upset. I do not believe in love. Every so called ‘love’ relationship is actually a hidden expectation of something from another.”

Beliefs are as unique and as varied as the multitude of people who carry them. Shared beliefs form the backbone of the society and most of us communicate on the basis of these shared beliefs. Some become guiding lights while others fade away. One such word which symbolizes a belief is the oft-used and consequently, much-confused word ‘love’.

When it comes to certain beliefs, it is found that for every one group that swears by the veracity of it, there is another that denies its validity, and yet others swing in-between the two, internalizing what feels convenient at the given time.  

It is often observed that while discussing issues that are close to the heart, there is a range of responses and reactions, from approval to extreme disapproval, and from agreement to vehement denial. Looked at closely, vehement denial could mean that one hasn't been able to fit something into a familiar paradigm. This is similar to the way scientists and religions keep arguing and debating about the presence and the nature of God. It is akin to the inability to comprehend infinity. 

Perhaps, some things are too vast for our self imposed limits. So we deny them. It is a practical way to deal with an already complex life. We are finite and what we call life has an expiry date. So we control all that we can. Imagination, concepts, and such intangibles are the first victims. Denial means having fewer things to deal with, and thus a comfort zone of constants. Society has to function, so this is the approved model of life, as it ought to be lived.

However, in moments of solitude, it is felt by many, that a kind of void presents itself. Some ignore it and busy themselves in trivialities. Some find it impossible to ignore and end up changing their entire outlook to their life.

The pull of opposite points of view, though, can be very distressing. As a result, some of us accept the society paradigm. Some choose the other extreme. Those who don’t take to either of these paths are pulled apart by the fear of ‘what if’. This is the most energy-depleting of situations- neither can one let go of it entirely nor can one live with it and remain peaceful.

Yet, the truth is that all of this is passing, that we all are heading towards the grand finale of death. Given this certainty, the one thing sets us humans apart from other animals (perhaps) is our ability to feel, to care and to empathize about another like they were us. That feeling of being able to put another above oneself, so that we turn the focus from the destructible towards that which is indestructible within us, is love. Love is what makes us see the intangible in another which, of course is a reflection of what is intangible and unchanging in us. Love is that bridge which connects the ephemeral part of us to the unchangeable within each of us.

Love is a process of transformation and therefore has also been referred to as the dissolution of the personality. Dissolution, then, would not be ‘losing’ but ought to be thought of as finding oneself. And yet, we fear that dissolution.

This could be because we are afraid of losing ourselves as in losing the way we know ourselves- a definable aggregate of thoughts, desires, concepts, ideas and feelings.

Love is the process which transforms from the limited to the expansive, from the tangible to the intangible, and from the finite to the infinite. Love is the journey that leads to the breaking open of the shell which conceals a part of infinity from itself. Since there can be no comebacks from the infinite, when one has experienced love, one cannot remain separate. It merges into the endless and from being just a separate 'one', becomes 'one with the infinite'.